Its important for social workers to maintain boundaries with their clients, and personal feelings about clients are a slippery slope, mostly something to be managed. The hiccup is that, as human beings and especially as social workers, our feelings are often the fuel behind our fire. They are very real to us, a large part of who we are, and can't just be dismissed.
Lancaster was my client, off and on, for several years, and he worked through a lot with me, I did a lot of work on his behalf. I really believed in him, that recovery and a better life were possible for him. Last October, he passed away; we're still not sure how. I was really upset when I learned of it, and one of my first thoughts was, "I don't think he knew how much I love him." That has no part in the treatment plans or case notes we write with and about clients. There is no evidence-based method for communicating something like this. I literally wished I could see him one more time to tell him. When I've thought about him these past several months, I've felt sad and regretful, mournful.
Last night, I think he came to see me in a dream. I was standing in a hallway, he was in a room. He was clean and calm, not all jittery and excited and loud like he had been in life. When he saw me he came straight to me, as though he'd been looking for me. We hugged tightly for a long time. Nothing was said, and that was it.
Now I feel like he knew I loved him, how much, and he was saying good-bye, maybe letting me know he was at peace. Maybe he knew I was grieving him. Now when I think about him, I feel peace.
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