Peace be with you, S.

While I try, in this blog, to focus on the positive things that I see in my clients, I feel moved to share a somewhat negative thing that happened last week. One of our clients, S, killed himself. This was his third attempt. I don't know how; one of my co-workers found him when she went to take his medication to him.

While this, in itself, is tragic and devastating (there were many tears flowing around the office that day), out of respect for S, I would like to talk a little bit about him, remembering him.

S first came into my day program after months of outreach from the mobile team establishing a rapport with him on the street. He came to us extremely delusional with symptoms untreated before he came into my center. For the first several weeks, he wouldn't communicate with any people but the mobile outreach team. He actively conversed, however, with the voices in his head, in all volumes. He frightened a number of the clients, and even offended one or two of them when he imagine himself to be God, as he did pretty regularly. Most of the clients, however, could see that he was not well, and they treated him gently. It was really sweet to see them, as tough as they tried to pretend they were, treat someone who was hurting with a kind of quiet care and respect.

When S became extremely loud, one of the workers would go to him, point out his volume, and ask him to lower his voice. When I first began doing this, as soon as I approached him, he would avert his eyes. He would lower his voice, but only for a minute. The longer I knew him, however, the more comfortable he became, and he began to look me in the eye and smile. After a little longer, he began to hold small conversations with me.

He became of client of our Assertive Community Treatment team, which houses chronically homeless and severaly ill clients and then follows them every day or so, making sure they take their meds and go to the doctor. S had only been with them a few months, and then this happened. My agency has a number of burial plots for clients who do not have family so they can be buried with dignity, and S will receive one of those.

When I think about his passing, I'm a little sad, of course, because his was such a simple and sweet spirit. But it was also tortured, and I like to think of him now completely and finally at peace.