Unexpected privilege

How quickly a day can change, how quickly a life can change.

I was heading to work yesterday, Saturday, preparing myself to begin an overwhelming six months of work, internship, and a law class. I had just gotten a wicked speeding ticket from an extremely nice state patrolman, and the morning wind was bitter.

As I got out of the car on the side of the agency, a man in a dark blue jacket and the blue pajamas of a doctor met me on the sidewalk. His phone was open and I could hear the on-hold music through the receiver.

"Excuse me, do you work here?" he asked and I nodded. "Please help me; I... I don't... I'm a doctor at Barnes Hospital and I was working last night. I got off at 4 am and was driving home, and I found a woman in the middle of 64 (the local highway). I've been trying to get in touch with someone who can help," he pointed helplessly at his unanswered phone, "and somebody told me to come here - that you're a homeless shelter?" My agency isn't a really a shelter, but that wasn't the point. Again I nodded, noting his uncertainty and following his lead. He said, "Come and see; she's still in my car."

By this point, we began walking around the building to his car. The wind was whipping around us furiously, and bitingly cold. He continued, "I'm not a social worker, and I don't know what to do. I picked her up and just drove around; she couldn't talk. I didn't know what to do, so I just drove. I went to Hardee's and spent a few hours drinking coffee while she slept." he said. "I'm going on no sleep, and I didn't know what else to do."

He was clearly anxious and it seemed like he had about reached his stress limit, so I tried to calm him. "We're not really a shelter, just have a few cots for women, but it was the right thing to bring her here. We can help." He pointed again to his phone. "I heard that she can't get into anywhere without a referral, I'm just..." he began, and I again reassured him, hoping to settle his nervousness.

We reached his car, and I looked fruitlessly through the window for another person. He opened his driver's side door, and I saw see a bundle of coats slumped against the passenger door. We both stood by his open door, and he leaned in to wake her. "Maria? Maria?" After several moments, she was roused, and he circled around to the passenger door to help her get out and told her that he had found a place where she could receive help. Very groggy, she got out of the car and stumbled while trying to pull her too-big jeans up. I asked her a few questions, but she had trouble answering them. I told her my name, and told her where she was. "Can we go somewhere out of the cold?" she asked, one of the first coherent things I'd heard her say. As I led them both into the building, I asked her some basic questions, trying to learn about her and also trying to ascertain if she was under the influence or ill. The doctor was following behind us, juggling a sandwich and coffee he had bought for her with his phone.

We entered the building and I took them upstairs to the day center. I showed Maria where she could sit, pointed out the coffee pot, and told her we would be serving breakfast soon. I went back into my office where the doctor was waiting on his phone, and when I entered he asked me, "Do I still need to be on here?" I told him she could call herself from my building, that she would be warm and safe all during the day. He hung up slowly; tears were brimming in his eyes. "Let's exchange contact information in case you need to get a hold of me," he said, "and let me have your card; maybe my wife can call you when she asks where I've been all night," he finished jokingly, yet mirthlessly. I took his name and number and gave him my card.

He turned away, and then quickly turned back to me. "Do you guys take donations?" he asked, catching me off guard. After I told him we did, he quickly pulled out his wallet and selected several bills and gave them to me. I didn't really know what to say to this, after all he had just done for a stranger. I just thanked him, knowing that was inadequate.

He didn't say anything, but just stood staring blankly for a few seconds before quickly leaving my office. He might have been having trouble leaving Maria, especially after having cared for her all night. I caught up with him at the security lock and buzzed him through. I led him down to the hall to the stairway, and when we reached the top of the stairs, he slowed to a stop and turned to me, staring over my shoulder. Tears were again forming in his eyes, and he opened his mouth as though to speak. After a few minutes of not finding the words, he gave up and began to go downstairs. After a few steps, he again stopped turned to me, and again, stared over my shoulder. "I don't do this kind of thing," he said softly, shaking his head. "I diagnose brain tumors in children, but I don't..." he trailed off. He went down a few more steps, and again stopped and turned to me. We stood silently for another minute, after which he quickly went the rest of the way downstairs and fled the building without another word.

After saying a few words of prayer of thanks for being able to witness such humble and selfless care of another human being, a stranger, I went back upstairs to check on Maria and help her get settled. She ate breakfast and slept until lunch when she awoke and was able to speak more clearly. I finally got a better idea about what she might need help with. She told me she didn't think she could eat for fear of vomiting, and she was feeling more and more agitated, a token of the DTs of alcohol withdrawal. She said she'd never been in treatment before, and she said no. "I've tried to quit," she said, "but by the time I get to this point, I get another drink." She quietly stared in the distance. "I don't know," she said, "maybe this is God's way of telling me I should quit now."

As the day went on, Maria became more and more lucid and sober, though her legs began to jerk uncontrollably, another symptom of DTs. We took her to the agency clothing room to get her a change of clothes, and also some toiletries and a shower, after which we talked more about what was going on with her. "I don't even know how that man found me," she said, having completely blacked out. I said, "Maria, it was 4 am, and you were walking in the middle of the highway." Her expression became one of frozen disbelief, and I continued. "He stayed up with you for the rest of the night until he found us and could get you help."

*****

This is the kind of event that has the potential to change a person's life. I don't yet know what change this will have on Maria's life, though I suspect that it will, at the very least, stay with her, as it will certainly stay with the doctor, and me as well. What an unexpected privilege to have witnessed it and been a part of it.

Getting back up

I was present to another miracle today and I was so excited I wanted to share it with you. There was an alcoholic client I had several months ago that cared about a little more than most. I don't know what it is about some people, some of them just sit a little closer to my heart than others. Several months ago, he completely fell off the grid - he lost his job, lost his apartment, and lost contact with everyone he knew. Several clients and the mobile outreach team talked about seeing him once in awhile either passed out in the street or on a bench. He is a good and honest man and a hard worker, and his disappearance bothered staff and clients alike.

He re-appeared on Tuesday, slumped against my building. He had asked for me, and when I went outside to talk to him, he grasped my hand tightly. His face was swollen, his eye was blackened, and his eyelashes, eyebrows, and moustache were all singed from clumsy cigarette-lighting attempts. He was about ready to break, and heartbreakingly wanted to come back to the program, come back to acceptance. I rubbed his back and told him that he had a place with us. I was able to get him up to our facility for lunch. When he started to get sick and we started talking to him about going to the hospital to detox, however, he blanched. "Have you ever been in the hospital?" he asked my co-worker. She said, "What you need is outside of our scope of care - you need medical help." He wasn't open to any offerings of help. "I'll do this myself, get my own scope of care." He stumbled out of the center with promises to return, sober, the next day. The next day, however, he was nowhere to be found, and I was afraid it would be another two months before I saw him again, if I did.

This morning, another client came for me and told me he was outside. I went to him, his face was still puffy, his pupils still tiny black dots, tears already forming in his eyes, his self-loathing written plainly all over his figure, and I took his hand. He had whiskey and soda with him this time, and while he couldn't stay on property with that, I didn't want to send him away. I again brought up the idea of a hospital and pointed out to him that when he tried to sober up on his own, he couldn't. "You can do this again, but right now you need help, and the hospital is the place you go for that." He started talking about what happens when he goes to a hospital, and I said, "I've been in a hospital for four months; I know what it's like. I also know that's where I got better, and that's what you need." He softly agreed to be taken, and I scampered off to find the worker who could take him before he changed his mind. The worker was gone, however, and I had to stay, and suddenly I was faced with a dilemma. I felt terrible sending him away, away from help he needed, away from his willingness to go to the hospital, but he couldn't be around with that alcohol. I told him as much, and sugggested he come back in 30 minutes, lunchtime, for a ride. He said he wanted to do that, but he didn't move. Thinking he wanted to stay, I said, "Or, you can give me that bottle and let me take care of it, and come upstairs with me right now." "No ma'am," he answered firmly, "I'll take care of it." I helped him up, and he shuffled off in his too-big pants and socks (no shoes on), arms full of bottles and a sweater. "I'm going to throw this away," I could hear him tell people as he scooted past them, "I'm going to the hospital." It was ironically cute and laughable and saddening all at once. I was wracked with uncertainty in my decision - did I do the right thing? Would he come back? Did he think I blew him off?

He didn't come back for lunch, but folks told me he was around. About an hour and a half after lunch, he came to the door of my center, arms clear of belongings, shoes on his feet, and said, "I threw that bottle away. I'm ready to go to the hospital."


I could have cried for the many feelings I still have to think about it: relief, love, respect, humility. It's just another thing to love about the job.

Black Boots

I was at work one weekend when a former client dropped in. Nida (not her real name) was a chronically homeless addict with two sons in prison, and her time with my program was the first time that she was truly serious about her recovery. She has an incredibly humble spirit, works extremely hard, and its precious to be with her as she discovers this world sober. It's much the way I imagine a parent would feel to watch their children make discoveries.

She and I were catching up on her job and her upcoming move from transitional housing into her own apartment when a yellow-shirted woman approached me for a pair of shoes from the downstairs clothing room. It was a Saturday, and I don't have access to that room on Saturdays. I told Yellow-Shirt as much, and she lamented that she needed them for work that evening. After several minutes of silence, Nida pointed out, "You know, you could get pair of black shoes at Wal-Mart*...it'll only take one bus ticket to get there." A few seconds of silence streched between us as Nida studied Yellow-Shirt's face. "You don't have it, do you?" Yellow-Shirt shook her head. "I can see how bad you want this; I can see it on your face," Nida said, knowing from years on the homeless street. "If I give you $10, will you take it to the store and get shoes?" Yellow-Shirt said yes, and silence fell as Nida weighed the decision. To take the heat off her, I said, "Let me check the back room," referring to a small closet on our floor with toiletry items and socks and underwear.

I knew there weren't any shoes back there, and if there were, they wouldn't be black, but I was absolutely blown away by the "Pay it Forward" gesture that Nida was making. I know she was thinking about people who had helped her when she was struggling, and she may have been making an amend for those she hadn't helped when she was using drugs. I opened the door to the closet and turned on the light. Chills covered me as I spotted one pair of shoes on the low shelf - black boots. I flipped them over to see the size, and they were just right.

Another good thing about the job: miracles happen everyday, and sometimes I get to be present to them.

Epilogue - I still don't know Yellow-Shirt's name, but the shoes are very comfortable and exactly right for the job. She enjoys it and is doing well in it, and she is interviewing for a second job in a few days.

*In no way is this an endorsement of Wal-Mart. I'm just sayin'.